


Incompetence

by MermaidMayonnaise



Series: The Boyfs Deal w/ My Problems (Vent Fics) [2]
Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz
Genre: (Almost) Panic Attack, But I did learn a few things today so that's all right, Enjoy? I guess. It's not really enjoyable to read, I was very sad and I do what I always do-- write it down, Insecurity, M/M, Self-Hatred, i have no idea how to tag this, vent fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-25
Updated: 2019-01-25
Packaged: 2019-10-16 06:19:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,072
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17544350
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MermaidMayonnaise/pseuds/MermaidMayonnaise
Summary: “I’ve never felt truly incompetent before chemistry class this year,” Jeremy said, pacing. “I haven’t always been the best, but I’ve been fairly decent. I still managed to get good grades.“And now I’m not. And it hurts."------------------------------------------------Jeremy gets his midterm grade back.





	Incompetence

When Jeremy walked in the room, Michael didn’t hesitate before taking off his headphones and putting his book down.

They were in Michael’s basement. Jeremy lived next door to Michael, so him showing up at Michael’s house wasn’t usual. What _was_ unusual were the tears welling up in Jeremy’s eyes, and the arms that tugged his cardigan around him.

Jeremy’s eyes were red and his lip trembled. His fingers twisted through the fabric, picking at loose threads as he wrapped it around himself as if the cardigan provided comfort.

“Jer,” Michael said softly, standing up so he could approach him slowly and carefully. “What’s wrong?”

“I-- I got my chemistry midterm back.”

Oh. _Oh._ This year, Jeremy had decided to challenge himself by taking AP Chemistry, a college level course known for its difficulty. He had been warned by past students not to take the class because the teacher didn’t care and therefore didn’t teach, but Jeremy had really wanted to take it. He had said that he wanted to be a scientist, so he might as well take the class the year when colleges wanted to see that he was pushing himself.

It was a mistake. Jeremy had consistently gotten lab partners who both didn’t know what the hell they were doing and also didn’t do their half of the work, so all of the work had fallen on him. In addition to the lab report due every week, there were frequent test and quizzes every week as well. The days where the class actually sat down to learn the material were so few and in between that Jeremy could count the number using less than ten fingers.

Michael knew this because Jeremy had told him everything in excruciating detail. However, Jeremy listened to Michael’s tirade concerning his hyperfixations, so it was a trade-off that worked for both of them.

Jeremy had taken his chemistry midterm earlier during the day. On the car ride home from school, he had been silent, so Michael didn’t press him.

It was just bad luck that the teacher graded and posted all of the midterm grades only that very same day. That was why Jeremy was here.

“How did you do?” Michael tread on eggshells. The wrong words would make Jeremy snap and yell.

“Bad,” Jeremy snapped anyway, “and I want to yell about it, but just know that I’m not yelling at you, and I’m very sad and upset and I don’t even fucking know anymore!”

“I’m here to listen.”

“Thank you, Mike. God.” Jeremy paced across the room. “I worked so fucking _hard_ for it and it didn’t pay off. I studied so much for the midterm: I read the textbook, I did practice problems. I did everything in my power to set me up for success.

“What stings is that everyone else did better than me. Even Madeline, who gets 60s on most of the tests got 4% higher than I did. The guy who fucking _cheated_ off the people around him did 3% better.”

“What did you get?” Michael asked.

“An eighty-one.”

“Jer… That grade isn’t bad.”

“Yeah, but an 81 is not a good score. If it were a flavor, it would be flour. No one blinks twice at flour. Especially when it’s been curved from a 73, and everyone else got low 80s without the curve.” Jeremy waved his hands in the air. “A fucking 73! You know what? It’s necessary-- necessary so the cream of the crop can rise and reveal themselves to be the academic stars they truly are.

“And I’m not. I’m not an academic star. I’m not smart enough. “

Michael started to speak, but Jeremy cut him off, saying, “Sorry, Mike, but can I just through this? It’s been eating me up inside and I _have_ to get it out.”

Michael nodded.

“I’ve never felt truly incompetent before chemistry class this year,” Jeremy said, pacing. “I haven’t always been the best, but I’ve been among the top. Even in super advanced classes in middle school, when there were people who were a whole lot smarter than I was, I still managed to get good grades.

“And now I’m not. And it hurts. It _hurts_ that I put in so much effort for this one fucking class and one sophomore who is _so_ much smarter than I am can go in an get an 88, just because she studied for six hours the night before.

“I keep telling myself that they’re burning themselves out, burning the candle at both ends.”

“John Mulaney?” Michael said, then cut himself off. “Not the time. Sorry.”

“But what if they’re not?” Jeremy continued as he tugged at his hair. “What if they’re just naturally successful?

“I want to be a scientist, I think. I want to work with other smart people and discover things and interpret them. I want to contribute to the scientific community.

“I know that there will always be people that are better than me. I know this very, very well. I know this every time I compare grades with people. I know this every time I look at Jake and Brooke, who are both very smart and have friends and a thriving social life. They probably have great grades and meet with a group of friends for a massive party with drinking every weekend.

“I’m sure that they’re hanging out with friends right now. No one has invited me to hang out with them, to grab brunch together after midterms. I mean, I appreciate you so much, man, but we just can’t spend all of our time together. Anyway, not a single person has offered to do anything together. And it hurts.

“Because... if I’m not a good student, then what am I?

“School is my life.” Jeremy crossed to the other side of the basement, wiping furiously at his eyes. “I devote almost all of my time and effort to these stupid fucking classes and homework and tests and labs and projects and countless other bullshit. And yet I’m not getting the grades I want to be getting.”

Jeremy laughed derisively at himself. “Oh, I always have excuses. History is just a bunch of old white men dictating their opinions, chemistry's taught by an incompetent teacher, the Spanish teacher hates me and I hate her so she gives me bad participation grades.

“But what if--” he faltered “what if I’m just not... good enough? What if none of these excuses, these flimsy lies that I have constructed for myself are just what they are-- a justification, an assurance?

“Because I don’t think I can deal with that, Michael. I just don’t think I can. I always put in my all, and I can’t bullshit anything. I can’t take an assessment without preparation and possibly hope that I get a good grade. It doesn’t work that way for me. And I didn’t try to bullshit the midterm. I really, truly studied. I don’t understand how I did so badly and everyone else did so much better.

“It’s not fair. One person cheated off other people in our class, and he got a higher grade than me. Hell, even the kid who gets 60s on every single test did better than I did.

“I like to think that I’m fairly bright. I’m no genius. So,” A tear ran down his cheeks, and he swiped it away angrily, _“why did I do so badly while everyone else did so well?_

“I don’t get it. It’s not fucking fair.” Jeremy’s shoulders shook. “Except it is, _it is,_ and that’s why I feel so fucking _bad_ about this whole situation.

“Because I’m incompetent. I’m not a failure-- if I was a failure, maybe I’d have some legitimate excuse for why I’m doing so badly in every single aspect of my life.

“I’m just not equipped to handle these situations. I don’t _know_ how to handle them. I don’t know how to make them better. And so I don’t. I sit there and wait for another grade, another test or midterm or what-fucking- _ever_ to assuage my ego.

“And then I get the good grade, and everything’s fine again. I become cocky, overconfident. However, I still work hard and do all of my fucking homework and studying.

“And yet!” Jeremy cried now in earnest, not bothering to dry his cheeks now. “And yet there’s just those specific people that just fucking _piss me off._ You know those people-- those people who have their fucking life together. They have their problems too, but yours are just so much fucking _worse._ And you don’t have that posse of popular, cool friends to back you up. The gods of high school aren’t offering to go to their house and play video games or some shit to cheer you up. I’m at home, stuck angrily typing on my computer and trying not to cry.

“You know why that is?” Jeremy cried. “Because I’m pathetic. I’m incompetent and useless and I have no friends and everyone hates me. I’m awkward and annoying and people only talk to me out of sympathy, and you only talk to me because you’re my best friend.

“And before you say anything, I know that none of this is completely true, but doesn’t it feel just fucking _awful_ hearing it?” He sobbed. “My worst fears and insecurities, exposed? This is who I am, what I’m afraid of. How does it feel? It feels fucking _awful._ And here I am crying while you have to listen to this bullshit _._ ” He collapsed to his knees, sobbing. “I’m sorry. I’m sorr--”

Until then, Michael had been standing with his mouth slightly agape, listening to what had been coming out of Jeremy’s mouth with increasing horror. He wanted to say something productive, but all that came out of his mouth was, “Jesus fucking Christ, Jeremy.”

“God, I’m so sorry,” Jeremy scrambled to his feet, already halfway to the door, “I shouldn’t have unloaded all of that on you--”

“Jeremy, wait!” Michael said, and Jeremy froze. A couple seconds of silence hung between them as Michael struggled to find words to say.

“I can’t solve your problems, Jeremy.”

Jeremy hung his head. “I know.”

“But--”

“But?”

“Thanks for telling me. It means a lot that you trust me with this.”

“I… really?”

Michael shrugged and handed Jeremy a tissue before sitting down. “Of course. You just exposed what was most likely your worst fears in front of me. It takes a lot of courage to do that.”

“I wouldn’t have called that courage.” Jeremy accepted it gratefully and blew his nose, joining Michael on one of the beanbag chairs.

“Whatever that was then,” Michael said, and Jeremy shakily laughed. “But you obviously have a lot of feelings, and you need to learn to do something about them. Therapy, talk to someone-- or me-- about it, write it down, whatever. Outbursts like these, though… They’re unhealthy. They mean that you’ve been repressing your emotions for a while, stuff that you should have probably dealt with before.”

“I--” Jeremy started, and Michael shushed him.

“Wait, now it’s my turn to talk. Jer, everyone feels incompetence at one point or another. It’s kind of a rite of passage into maturity. You aren’t always going to be the best at everything. Hell, you aren’t even going to be _good_ at everything you attempt.”

Jeremy sighed. “Passively average?”

“At best. You have to accept it sometimes. You have to accept failure or incompetence when you have physically done all that you could do. Because if you tried, _really_ tried, then you shouldn’t beat yourself over it.

“Because sometimes, everything you have done and giving it your all won’t be enough. And that’s okay, and you need to learn to accept that. You have to learn from the experience, take what you can, and move on. Then you’ll learn, and then you’ll grow. And that’s life.”

“How do you know all this?” Jeremy said, slightly awed.

“I had a major breakdown in middle school when you always got good grades and I was failing everything. My moms explained this to me.”

“So you’re passing on the knowledge.”

“I think it’s pretty important to pass.”

Jeremy lay his head on Michael’s shoulder, sighing a shuddery post-cry sigh. “Thanks, Mike. I don’t think I didn’t recognize the allusion to kidney stones.”

“You’re welcome, Jer. And I’m glad you did. The world needs more references.”

**Author's Note:**

> As always, I am embarrassed posting personal vent fics so I'm really nervous about putting this out there. I hope you guys got something from this.
> 
> My tumblr is mermaidmayonnaise if you want to talk about feelings.
> 
> Comments make my day, and kudos make the world go round.


End file.
